Why do some people feel at ease with closeness while others feel suffocated by it? Why does one partner want to talk things through straight away while the other needs to retreat? Attachment theory offers one of the most helpful ways of understanding these differences.
What is attachment?
Attachment theory, first developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, describes the deep emotional bonds we form with the people we depend on. As babies and children we learn, through thousands of small moments, whether others will be there when we need them. Those early experiences shape an internal “template” for relationships that we often carry into adult life.
Attachment styles are not labels or diagnoses. They are patterns – and most of us recognise a little of more than one.
Secure attachment
People with a more secure style generally feel comfortable with closeness and with independence. They can ask for what they need, cope with conflict without feeling the relationship is under threat, and trust that a partner will come back after a disagreement.
Anxious attachment
Someone with a more anxious style may worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. They might seek frequent reassurance, read a great deal into a late reply to a message, or find it hard to relax when a partner needs space. Underneath is often a longing for connection and a fear that it will be taken away.
Avoidant attachment
A more avoidant style often develops when a child learned that relying on others was disappointing or unsafe. As adults, people may value independence very highly, feel uncomfortable with emotional intensity and pull away when things become close. It is not that they do not care – closeness can simply feel overwhelming.
Disorganised attachment
When early caregivers were both a source of comfort and of fear, a person may want closeness and fear it at the same time. Relationships can feel confusing and intense, swinging between clinging and withdrawing. This style is often linked with earlier trauma, and responds well to patient, compassionate support.
How attachment styles meet in relationships
A common pairing is one more anxious partner and one more avoidant partner. The more one reaches out, the more the other withdraws – and the more the other withdraws, the more the first reaches out. Both are trying to feel safe, but in opposite ways. Recognising this cycle can take a great deal of blame out of a relationship.
Can attachment styles change?
Yes. Research and clinical experience both suggest that people can develop what is sometimes called “earned security”. This tends to grow through:
- Understanding your story – making sense of how your early experiences shaped you.
- Noticing your triggers – recognising the moments when old fears are switched on.
- Communicating needs clearly – saying “I feel unsettled, could we talk tonight?” rather than protesting or shutting down.
- Safe, consistent relationships – including friendships and the therapeutic relationship itself.
- Self-compassion – treating the scared or self-protective parts of you with kindness.
How therapy can help
In individual therapy we can explore your attachment history and how it plays out today, at a pace that feels safe. In couples counselling, understanding each other’s attachment needs can transform repeated arguments into moments of real connection.
If you would like to understand your own way of relating, you are welcome to book a free discovery call or read more about individual therapy.
Warm wishes,
